Proud AF and Owning it
Sitting here a little sad, a little vulnerable.
A coaching session with my beautiful coach. An exploration of so many different things that are coming up a little at the moment.
And the photo of my parts I just wanted to share. The parts gifted to me as a tangible reminder of what makes Amanda, Amanda. By my psychologist before she went on maternity leave. They live on my fridge. A reminder, that we are still learning about each other, we are still trying, we are still learning to love and accept all parts. Seeing all of them with compassion and understanding and a knowing that we can choose differently.
Even when things are feeling good, when you have done the work (SO MUCH WORK!), the urge to dive deeper, to evolve further, to make greater impact can still always be there.
But you see, we all run in seasons. And they say…. everything that constantly grows, dies.
And for me? December and January are seasons where I need to focus on maintenance and nourishment, NOT growth. Even when things are being questioned, even when things are arising. I see, I learn, I understand, that at a time of year that holds so much vulnerability, charge, and trauma responses ingrained in me from my years and years of darkness, choosing to “poke the bear” right now, would not be a good idea.
I also struggle with the art of self celebration, of acknowledgement. Yes, I can see that I have come a long way with my mental health over the last year, or 18 months, but so much looks the same.
Because I was able to sit in the darkness, be IN the darkness, and still show up. I don’t know how, or why, but I did. I kept my house, my business, most of my clients. I showed up online. I welcomed new clients. I stayed afloat. I showed up when I needed to, even if it was 10 minutes after a power cry and intrusive thoughts. So yes, I feel different, but sometimes I place pressure on myself that more things should LOOK different.
But recovery from what I felt, from what I sat in, takes time. Remission takes time. Healing and restoration, takes time.
And so at a time of year I move into, that previously held so much pain and suffering and comparison and shame…. I choose differently.
I sit here and celebrate the F out of myself.
I create a brag post about how freaking amazing I am, despite everything saying there is nothing.
And I will sit here. Not because I am a teacher’s pet and I do my homework like the goodie two shoes I am… but because I want this. I want to feel this. I want to embody this. I continue to do the hard things, the things that don’t feel true until they are, the things that feel icky and weird and my ego tries telling me it is silly.
And if I can’t do it for myself. I do it for HER.
The woman I am becoming.
And also the woman that told me to do this. Who showed me my light when I thought it had been completely extinguished.
So this brings me to my lists. A list of all of the things I am proud of. And a list of all the things others would be proud of me for. Because sometimes, we need to borrow someone else’s view when ours is so skewed.
I AM PROUD AF because…..
I kept my business going even when I didn’t want to exist anymore.
I maintained a reasonably clean and organised house even through the chaos of my mind.
I attracted new clients and new opportunities even when I was filled with self doubt.
I showed up the coaching and therapy even when I didn’t think it was working, or helping, or I would have preferred to hide under the doona and feel sorry for myself.
I never made excuses for my behaviour or results or lack thereof. I took personal responsibility for everything and took the time to learn why I was doing what I was doing.
I invested in myself even when I thought I was broken and nothing would ever work for me, because I must have had a tiny bit of hope that one day, something would. (SPOILER: IT DID!)
I allowed myself to be a beginner again. In pole fitness. And then to dance for the first time of my life. I didn’t hide behind who I thought I never could be, but instead trusted where my heart was leading me.
For learning choreography that took me outside of my comfort zone, and even about to perform in my first performance night! (Although, I actually performed at an open day 4 weeks after I started and learnt my first hardcore routine, because I ‘could’ and I knew it would mean a lot to the instructor)
For setting boundaries and finding my worth and what I deserve in my relationships and work.
For saying NO to the things that I don’t want to do even if it may have disappointed others
For saying YES to the life I want to live, and who I want to be, even if it is against what others wanted for me, or expected of me, and I had to work through conditioning that had prevented me from even considering it in the past
For never staying stuck. For evolving and changing and adapting and pivoting in my business. Rebranding when things didn’t feel right. For being authentic and genuine in my services and offerings and values. My business is led by my heart, so it has changed significantly in 10 years, but the core values have remained the same.
Others are proud AF of me for….
Being brave enough to help and support them even when I was struggling myself.
Reaching out for help when many would choose to suffer alone, or feel it was too weak to ask.
For showing up with integrity, always.
For moving through divorce and separation with a maturity and peace that allowed a healthy transition for my children.
For running a successful business for 10 years.
For building a gym and constantly improving it so that others can benefit.
For hiring a cleaner to help with my capacity and keep the gym something I am proud of.
Being honest about what I can and can’t handle.
For always doing the work like a fkn boss.
For confronting things head on instead of avoiding.
For leaning in to the discomfort and letting it lead.
For allowing myself to meet my body, even when everything was screaming and protesting NO on an extreme level.
For continually improving how I show up on social media, showing more parts of me, for doing what is true, not necessarily what is ‘recommended.’
For always implementing feedback and suggestions and just getting sh!t done.
For speaking with truth and vulnerability which leads containers to greater depths and transformation.
Well…that is all that has rolled off the tongue, so to speak. Apparently my coach is going to meet me here…so I will share her updates. If you have anything to share, message me on Instagram or Facebook, and I will add it below!
Thanks for coming along for my public BRAGFEST.
It was meant to be the year of ‘F&K I’m Good, Just Ask Me’ - Cocky AF energy, so we shall go out with a bang.
How else can I show up like I am a complete stuck up b!tch, totally in love with myself? Someone we always judged…but were secretly hella jealous of, right?
Because who doesn’t want to be so obsessed with themselves that others opinions don’t knock them back to a version of themselves they are unhappy with.
Oh and guess what? Now I am feeling less sad and less vulnerable. Because instead of focusing where I am falling short, I reminded myself of the epic things I have gotten through, with a fierce courage and determination and passion that is my magic and superpower.
Gotta go, call with my VA - oh, because I am SO DAMN PROUD of asking for help too. Because why bust your a$$ with things that don’t light you up, when there are people that FROTH what you despise?
Amanda x
